


My Best Friend Is

by OctoberSpirit



Series: Movie Night [2]
Category: House M.D.
Genre: Ambiguous Relationships, Best Friends, Boyfriends, Crack, Dialogue-Only, Gen, Humor, M/M, Movie Night
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2009-01-10
Updated: 2009-01-10
Packaged: 2018-04-06 23:02:34
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,119
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4239978
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/OctoberSpirit/pseuds/OctoberSpirit
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It's movie night again, against all better judgment. There is no way this can end well.</p>
            </blockquote>





	My Best Friend Is

"So, listen—"

"House, I was with a _patient."_

"And I'm _impatient._ It all works out. I have a question for you."

"…What kind of question?"

"Such suspicion. You wound me. If I let you come over for movie night tonight—"

"You want to have a movie night?"

"Maybe. And stop that. It should be illegal to sound so happy this early in the morning."

"It's almost eleven-thirty, House."

"Yes, but it's almost _eight_ -thirty in Hollywood. I'm with the movie stars. Which, conveniently, leads back to my original point..."

"Movie night."

"Stop bouncing. You're such a woman."

"Like it bothers you."

"Well, regardless, stop for a minute. This is crucial."

"I'm listening."

"Okay, look, I _just_ bought this DVD player. If you smash it, I am obligated to seek vengeance. It's in the warrantee. ¿Comprende?"

"House, you bought that DVD player with _my_ credit card."

"The threat still stands."

"I'm not going to…look, I apologized. I bought you a new one. You banished me for a month. Can't we just let it go?"

"You're a madman. You're lucky I still talk to you."

"It'll never happen again."

"I'm not convinced."

"House…"

"Snap once, shame on you. Snap twice, shame on me. Snap three times, I have to find a new best friend while you're rotting away in prison. Very inconvenient."

"I swear. I don't even know what happened…"

"Don't care. And as long as you don't hurt my new DVD player, we're cool."

"You have my word as a gentleman."

"Hmph. Quit grinning; you look like a psychopath. I'll see you at six."

"Six-thirty."

"Don't push it."

-

"Hey, House."

"Hi, pizza."

"…"

"Oh, sorry. Pizza and beer."

"House."

"…And _Wilson,_ I guess, if you're going to mope."

"I'm not going to—"

"Get in here, would you? I'm hungry."

"You're always hungry."

"And you're always annoying. Hand me a beer."

"Uh-huh."

"Now, listen. We have some ground rules to go over."

"Let me guess. Another variation of 'don't beat up the DVD player'?"

"Actually, now it's 'don't beat up the VCR.' Movie I wanted was only available on VHS."

"Sounds…obscure."

"Extremely."

"Have I heard of it?"

"Dunno, have you?"

"House, not this again. Just tell me what we're watching."

"No can do."

"Dammit, House."

"You going to have another episode?"

"…Is this some kind of test? You're trying to _diagnose_ the cause of my freakout?"

"An ounce of prevention…"

"You invited me over to satisfy your sick, persistent curiosity, didn't you?"

"Was that a question?"

"No. Pass the damn beer."

-

"Augh! House!"

"Hey, watch it!"

"You started it—what the hell was that for?"

"Didn't want you to see the title. I think I'm bleeding; hope you're happy."

"You'll survive. I did _not_ go postal on the DVD player because you kept me from knowing something. If it were that easy, I'd be freaking out on you _all the time."_

"Good point. And onward down the list we go."

"You made a list? …How am I still surprised by these things?"

"No idea. It's fun, though. Now, it can't be the Robin Williams factor; Jumanji scared the hell out of you, but you didn't go batshit…"

"House, you hid in my closet at four in the morning playing the _bongo drums._ Of course it scared the hell out of me."

"Never been boring. So continuing through IMDb, one Robert Sean Leonard is up to bat."

"…That name seems…oddly familiar."

"We'll just go down the list until we find whoever caused your crazy. Or whatever. Haven't really figured that out yet."

"Almost…too familiar. Like I should know it, but shouldn't, at the same time."

"…How very interesting."

"House, I'm feeling kind of…strange, here. Like reality is…oh, god. Is that?.. Oh, god."

"...Huh."

"He's…I'm…oh, _god."_

"Not _that_ is interesting."

"I need to borrow your—"

"Oh no, you don't."

"House, are you seeing this? It must be destroyed; don't you get it? The fabric of reality—"

"I _so_ called this. Remember that time when I called you a vampire? Come on, you remember, that time with the—"

"House!"

"No way. Don't you dare. Do you have any idea how hard it was to track down this movie?"

"This is beyond your control! Beyond all our control! We have to stop it!"

"I can stop it anytime I want. I just don't want to."

"This is no time for your crap, House!"

"Wilson, what the hell are you doing?"

"What I should have done two minutes ago!"

"Close the window; you're running up the heating bill."

"This has to be done!"

"Wilson, wait a damn—gyah!"

"You'll thank me for this later!"

"You just _tripped a cripple!"_

"I regret nothing!"

"Damn it, James!"

-

"…House."

"Can it, vampire."

"House, I'm sorry. I don't know what—"

"Strange, it almost sounds like someone's talking, but…nah. Must be the wind."

"That movie was out for blood. You saw it. It was so many different kinds of wrong."

"The wind sure can't take a hint today."

"I just saved our lives."

"Self-righteous, too."

"Who knows what could have happened if I hadn't taken action?"

"Would a 'blowing hot air' joke be in bad taste?"

"I'll buy you another VCR. I'll pay for the movie."

"Never trust the wind. It's like my momma always said…"

"House, come on."

"Oh, no, not the wind. Turns out it was my good friend, Wilson. Destroyer of movie nights everywhere."

"…"

"You're a freak, you know."

"At least I'm not boring."

"Uh-uh, you don't get to say that. Only _I_ get to say that."

"Can I say I'm sorry, then?"

"Maybe. I'm still thinking about it. I'll let you know if you pass the pizza."

-

"Urgh."

"What?"

"Way too much garlic. Here, I'm gonna go make a sandwich."

"…Vampire."

"Jackass."

-

"I still don't see why _you_ get to pick the movie."

"For one, your Pay-Per-View is on _my_ credit card."

"That's a stupid reason."

"And for another, I have the remote."

"I could always take it from you."

"I could always toss it out the window to join your poor, dead VCR."

"You're a cold man, James Wilson."

"Too soon?"

"Stop staring at my jugular."

"You know your circulatory system is the only one for me. Ah, here we go. Sounds innocent enough."

" _This?_ This is a kid movie, Wilson."

"A patient recommended it."

"Was that patient, by chance, a seven-year-old?"

"Yep."

"Well that's just…just…"

"…House?"

"Nothing, I'm fine… I'm just feeling a little…off."

"…"

"Wilson? Is it just me, or…is this movie starting to fray the very threads of reality?"

-

"…"

"Quit smirking. Pass the damn beer. The new TV's coming out of _your_ bank account."

"…"

"…"

"…So tell me, when are you formally adopting Steve?"

**Author's Note:**

> Backdated and reposted from fanfiction.net (and livejournal).
> 
> Back in Ye Olde 2009, someone asked me to do a followup to Dead Poets with the slightly-more-obscure movie My Best Friend Is A Vampire, which stars Robert Sean Leonard as a teenage vampire. (Go figure.) The movie itself is hilariously campy; I suggest giving it a view if you can track it down.
> 
> There's also a reference to one of Hugh Laurie's movies at the end, there. Lol.


End file.
